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Dirty Jokes

Sperm Bank Robbery


A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.

She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!"

"I don't care, open it now!!!" he orders.

So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples.

The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!"

She looks at him and says "BUT, they are sperm samples??"

"Just DO IT!" says the man. So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well." he demands, so the nurse drinks that one as well.

Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

$100 Poker

Two couples were playing cards when John accidentally drops some cards on the floor.

When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that his buddies wife wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"

John admitted that, well, yes, he did.

She said, "You can have it, but it will cost you $100."

After a minute or two, John says that he's interested.

She tells him that since her hubby works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, that he should come to her house around 2:00 pm on Friday.

Friday comes and John goes to her house at 2:00 pm. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex and then John left.

When her hubby Bill comes home He ask's his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?"

Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."

Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $100?"

Now she thinks, "Oh hell, he knows!" Finally she says, "Well, yes... he did give me $100."

"Good," says Bill. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back."

Love Dress

A woman goes over to her married son's house and walks in to find her daughter-in-law sitting in a chair, entirely nude.

The mother-in-law asks, “What the hell are you doing?”

“I'm wearing my love dress,” responds the daughter-in-law, “We haven't made love in a while, so I wore it.”

So the mother-in-law thinks, “Hmmmmm, maybe I should try that.”

She goes home and finds her husband isn't home yet, so she undresses and waits for him. Two hours go by when she finally hears her husband's car. He walks in the front door, looks at her and says, “What the hell are you doing?”

“I'm wearing my love dress,” says the wife.

“Well,” replies the husband, “go upstairs and iron the damned thing.”

Dateless


A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose."

The woman did as she was told.

"Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."

As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "You probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Diseaz. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex Or dates."

The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied: "Ed Zachary Disease is when you face look Ed Zachary like you azz."

Hillbilly Marriage

A hillbilly man and his new bride were on their honeymoon. The husband jumps into bed to wait for his wife to get herself ready.

The wife comes out of the bathroom in a sexy negligee and says "Honey, I have something to tell you. I'm a virgin."

The man grabs his clothes and rushes out of the house yelling at the top of his lungs. He heads straight to his fathers house. When he gets there, his father says, "Son, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be on your honeymoon."

The son says, "Dad, my new wife told me a big secret of hers. She's a virgin."

"Damn son. You did the right thing by leaving. If she wasn't good enough for her family, she sure as hell isn't good enough for ours!"

Bee Problem


A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a bee buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.

After examining her, the doctor explained that the bee was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the bee.

The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "if neither of you objects," the medic said, "I could give it a try."

Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell is happening?"

"Change of plans," The physician panted. " I'm going to drown the little bastard!."

Truck Driver

A truck driver was pulled over by a State Trooper. The patrolman told him to get out of the truck and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth as he stepped out of the cab.

Figuring that the driver was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman asked "Did I just see you swallow something?"

"Yep, that was my birth control pill." said the driver.

"Birth control pill?" asked the patrolman.

"Yep, cause when I saw your lights come on, I knew I was fucked."

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